Friendly Ghosts & Grief

As a child, I was pretty much a scaredy cat. Who am I kidding; I still am when it comes to horror movies, jump scares, and haunted houses.

I was never a person who went to see the latest Friday the 13th movie and I have no interest in the latest gore Hollywood offers. Some people love it, though. Some people can sleep after watching one of those films. It confounds me, but people do it.

Here we are at that spooky season once again. Halloween is, I believe, pretty misunderstood. All Hallow’s Eve was supposed to be a time to remember loved ones who are no longer with us. Traditions, mostly from the Celts, make up this holiday in the United States. The Irish used to carve turnips to scare spirits away from their houses. As they immigrated to the United States they found pumpkins more abundant and easier to carve.

The tradition of trick or treat originally was called “souling”, when children (usually poor children) would offer prayers for the dead in exchange for a small treat. (Sting has recorded a traditional song about this you can listen to here).https://youtu.be/xcl6QBIWQK0?si=D8K7I5-TXx_37iRU

I have had a few clients who have experienced what is called “complicated grief.” The term is used when a person experiences life altering grief a year or more after a loved one passes. When we grieve,eventually the memories will no longer bring tears, but maybe some melancholy along with a smile about the person.

Complicated grief is still feeling that emptiness, that ache, even after a significant time has passed. This does not mean that a tear when you remember your loved one is complicated grief. That is holy remembering. Of course you will still have memories many years after the death of someone close. However, continuing to live, laugh, and find a place in the world again is in no way disrespectful to the person who has died.

I have had people tell me they are afraid they will “forget” the person who has passed if they release some of their grief. I don’t know if that’s possible. We are intricately connected to those we love, whether we see them or feel them every day. Our “job” is to share the stories about those loved ones. Some stories may be funny, some may be poignant, but do share them.

Halloween has been morphed into this macabre holiday, but I think those old Celts may have had it right. We celebrate those who have passed before us, honoring the memory, sending them on their way, and maybe hoping they put in a good word for us on the other side.